


For All These Times

by cakeisatruth



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Caretaking, F/F, Fluff without Plot, Hurt/Comfort, Lexi as wingman, Post-Canon, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23241622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cakeisatruth/pseuds/cakeisatruth
Summary: The day they put her in cryo-sleep, she swore to herself she was leaving it all behind, erasing the person she used to be. Turns out you carry the past with you, even when you don’t want to. Sometimes - and this surprises her - it’s actually useful.
Relationships: Peebee/Female Ryder | Sara
Comments: 22
Kudos: 57
Collections: Spectre Requisitions 2020





	For All These Times

**Author's Note:**

  * For [planetundersiege](https://archiveofourown.org/users/planetundersiege/gifts).



> If you speak to Lexi just before the endgame battle, she warns you the come-down from the drugs you're on will hurt more than the actual battle. This is the result of that comment.

Looking at them now, you wouldn’t know they saved the cluster twelve hours ago.

Peebee strokes her fingers through Ryder’s hair and thinks of how it was in the moment, with the cameras rolling and the people shouting and everyone, _everyone,_ calling to say congratulations and well done and thank you and can you answer some questions for us? She rolls it around in her mind and it feels _distant,_ despite having just happened. Right now, Ryder’s asleep on her lap, legs thrown over the arm of the couch, head on Peebee’s thighs, and that’s the universe. Ryder said the couch was comfier than the bed for now, without the bright lights to shine in her eyes. For her part, Peebee thinks it’s an anchor. A little discomfort keeps your mind on where you are and what’s happening. Then again, it’s hard to tell what Ryder feels physically right now.

They had a few glorious hours of time together after the fight. Then Ryder’s system filtered out enough of the drugs that kept her going through that battle. She crashed and burned on the shower floor, spitting blood through her teeth - _Lessie. Get Lexi. Get Lexi!_ \- and even after the medbay door closed, the rest of them could hear her howls of pain and panic, building and dissipating, over and over. Peebee's body tenses, thinking about it again.

She makes herself focus on the constellations, like she did when she heard Ryder sobbing and retching in the medbay and _ran._ It takes a couple of minutes for the tightness in her chest to loosen. Ryder shifts in her lap, yawning and falling back into sleep without ever fully waking up. It reminds Peebee they’ve got that time to breathe now.

She didn’t get that time when Ryder collapsed, with the doors barely closed behind Peebee before Lexi started yapping. The comm distorted her voice, but not enough to make her sound any less like a matriarch disguised as a maiden. She’s got the lecturing part down, anyway: _Why can’t the two of you listen to me? Don’t you remember what I said about the medication affecting balance? Did either of you pay attention to_ **_any_ ** _of what I said?_

That’s probably what she was saying, anyway. Peebee’s had enough experience with matriarchs to tune it out after the first couple of sentences. That’s probably why the change in tone snapped her out of it, got her to pay attention: _Ryder needs you._

 _Why? There’s nothing for me to do._ It isn’t like Peebee has caretaking experience. Back home she was the youngest in the family, the one people took care _of_ , and with her past relationship experience - forget it. No matter what she did, it was the wrong thing. If she’s gonna screw it up, might as well screw it up from a distance.

_Peebee, no one expects you to do anything medical. Just. Be. There._

So anyway, she’s here now, unsure if she’s doing the right thing. If she gets blamed, she’ll pin it on that interfering doctor.

Ryder blinks sleepily, then squints and reaches out an uncoordinated hand, probably meaning to stroke Peebee’s forehead. She smears her temple with black makeup instead, smiles unsteadily. Her expression’s proof enough the painkillers are still working; she’s probably lost in some dream about what purple tastes like. (There’s a joke in there about asari and open-mouthed kissing, but it’s probably better saved until Ryder can actually appreciate it.)

Bringing her fingers closer to her eyes, Ryder squints at the makeup smudged on them. _How’s it stay on through a fight, then come off when I do this?_

 _That’s how sealant works,_ Peebee answers, hyperaware she’s feeling her way in the dark. _Um. You okay?_

The long pause before Ryder’s answer belies how many painkillers she’s on. _Yeah. You’re here._

_Don’t say that! That means Lexi was right about something._

A hoarse, shaky laugh tears itself from Ryder’s throat before she dissolves into wheezing.

 _Hey - breathe._ Peebee runs her fingers through Ryder’s hair again, pushing it off her forehead. Her thumb rubs over the scars between her girlfriend’s eyebrows, normally half-hidden by her bangs. Ryder reaches up as if to swat her away.

 _Don’t do that, I’m hideous_ \- but with a big smile. Joke, minefield, or drugged-out nonsense? Peebee’s only got a split second to decide. Coming from Kalinda, it would have been a minefield. Ryder is not Kalinda.

_Nah, you’re lucky. Humans scar a lot easier. You know how hard it is to top off the superhero look without a badass scar?_

With a grin, Ryder drags her fingers over Peebee’s nose, this time deliberately. _And ‘cause your mask smears, right?_ She struggles to sit up, her arms wobbling so violently under her that Peebee supports her without thinking.

 _I can’t feel my anything,_ Ryder says. _That’s good, right?_

 _For right now, yeah._ If she doesn’t remember the details of the crash earlier, Peebee won’t push her to.

With a heroic effort, Ryder swings her torso forward, wraps her arms around Peebee’s shoulders. Her pulse flutters in her neck; Peebee doesn’t have to count the beats to know it’s incredibly high.

When she was a child, small and scared, her mother would hold her the way she holds Ryder now. She feels like she’s cobbling together bits of the past to try and make sense of the present. The day they put her in cryo-sleep, she swore to herself she was leaving it all behind, erasing the person she used to be. Turns out you carry the past with you, even when you don’t want to. Sometimes - and this surprises her - it’s actually useful.

 _Can I be in your head?_ Peebee whispers.

Ryder murmurs, _Uh-huh. Please._ She fists her hands in the back of Peebee’s jacket, steadying herself as gloves are removed, as blue fingers bury themselves in short hair.

Peebee still has to remind herself to breathe through the process of melding. Even when there’s no sex involved, it makes her whole body come alive as their minds meet each other. Ryder’s is dosed with a slugger; Peebee’s is working overtime. It’s like they balance each other out.

Someone’s chest hurts. She can’t tell whose it is.

 _Hey._ Ryder’s fingers intertwine with hers. _You think the cameras got a good angle on that kiss?_

Peebee laughs. _If you wanna redo it for them, I’m game._

_Hell yeah._

And then someone thinks, _I can’t believe we’re here._ It’s hard to tell who it comes from.

 _Big damn heroes,_ Ryder says with a grin.

_Here and not running._

_Yeah, that too._

That’s the bad part about a meld. No filters - not that Peebee ever had much of one anyway. Ryder strokes her cheek, silent reassurance.

_I want to be with you. I didn’t mean to think that._

_I know._ She shifts her weight, sluggish and unsuccessful. _Can you help me turn?_

They settle her in Peebee’s lap, a joint effort so the two of them can watch as space floats by. Well, Ryder’s watching it, and Peebee’s watching through her eyes. It’s better than close enough.

Soon enough it’ll go dark, when sleep comes for Ryder again. Peebee will hold onto the link between their minds until then, even as fatigue makes her struggle to keep it open. Turns out when you get attached to someone, you don’t want to let them go. She thinks she’s starting to be okay with that.

They saved the cluster, and it feels a million miles away. All Peebee needs is here in this room - the past and future blended together.


End file.
